CHOOSING A SPOUSE

BISMILLAHIR RAHMANIR RAHEEM

BISMILLAHIR RAHMANIR RAHEEM
Alhamdulillah: Eternal appellations, appreciations, and honor are due to our One and Only Lord, the Lord of the universe, the Creator of the seven heavens and earth, the Originator and Sustainer of the three worlds. There is no power or strength except with Him. We seek for His guidance in all endeavors, the guidance which is enough to free the heart from wondering, and the soul from perishing, Amin. Countless blessings and peace, be enshrouded unto our Noble Muhammad Musthapha , the glowing splint and the preserver of truth and guidance, the peace and blessing should thus encompass his household, his exalted companions, and for that matter, all those who adventure more marvelous and wondrous on the path of perpetual bliss, Amin.

Respected one! It is our deepest gratitude to discuss with you at this blessed hour, this imperative topic “Choosing a Spouse”. It is our deepest prayer that this submission will acquaint you with some strategically organized and tested theories of how to select a spouse, based on the Divine revelation, Prophetic Tradition and as well as the Ijtima’ul-ulama (coincides opinions from scholars), Insha’Allah.

Respected reader, whenever we think of getting married, the very common question that always lingers our heart and gets us unconvicted is that: “who am I going to marry? Is the person best for me or not or is the person going to marry me because of who I am or what I have? Is the person ready to sacrifice for me, die for me or ready to follow all legal means to make me feel being with the best person? Is the person ready to make my happiness a priority, ready to trust me and be trusted, ready to point out fingers on me in the public scene as the best couple? And many more questions that would be pulling the individual to shreds. It’s now time for you to choose a spouse whose actions and in-actions would answer the million unanswered questions, Insha’Allah!


Dearest one! It is very important to go through all this hypothesis before weaving the spells of marriage on yourself because we need to draw an imagery of permanency before falling into the pits of marriage but not a mere trial that could serve as prerequisite for subsequent ones to come, that is very dangerous as it can change the long-anticipated elation into a mirage, Subhanallah!


The blessed Prophet , said in an authentic Hadith: “A woman is married for four (4) things: for her wealth, for her lineage, for her beauty or for her piety. Select the pious, may you be blessed”. [1]
If we study the above Hadith, we would get to appreciate the fact that the Blessed Prophet has given us light in choosing a spouse. of course, the Hadith explained to us the four categories of women to choose as though it is only men who have the right to choosing their spouses but in a more expanding effect, the Hadith is talking about both men and women, thus; choosing wives and as well husbands. The Prophet only chose to speak on behalf of men in order to eliminate expatiation and also because men mostly suffer the pains and penalties of that.

Some Factors To Consider In Selecting A Spouse


According to the Hadith; we are at liberty to choose a spouse based on the wealth, family background and beauty, which in amalgamation represents the material privilege. But mind you! Materials are prone to exhaustiveness and nothingness. In order for you to be free from that malady, chose the fourth one as the blessed prophet had given a hint to, where he said: “select the pious, may you be blessed”.
Women are equally given the chance and mandate of choosing their future husbands. The Holy Prophet was reported to have said: “Whenever a person whom you have trusted his religion and character comes to you asking your daughters hand in marriage, marry your daughter to him if not there would be trouble (Fitna) and transgression on earth.” [2]


We make progress at this point to look into some factors to consider in selecting a spouse. Of course, we need to go into a deep depression guided by our memory to look at these factors;
Firstly, understanding who you are and whom you want to be. It is very important to consider your current status quo in order to choose a spouse who will help you preserve it if its good or a spouse who will help you abate it if it’s unpleasant.


The great scholar Al-Hasan Al-Basari said; “I stopped in the market of Makkah one day to purchase some clothes from Bazzaz, then he indulged into so much noise and swearing ………. I decided to ignore him and buy from someone else. Then I came to the same market after two years, but to my surprise, he had stopped his usual noise and swearing ………….. So I went to him and asked: were you not the very man I stopped by some time
ago to purchase some things from? He said yes. I asked him why he is no more making noise and swearing to customers, he said: I was married to a certain woman, whenever I bring home something small she spoils it to nothingness and when I bring much she makes it small in our eyes………….. This woman died and I got married to another who always caution me before I leave for market……… “go, and when you don’t find the Halal(lawful) except a moiety, we will manage it, but when you don’t find except Haram (unlawful) do not bring it because we can afford to enjoy here and suffer in the next world”. So when I come to the market now I don’t chase or force customers to buy my products, since my wife would be comfortable with whatever I bring home”.

How blessed is Bazzaz! And whom you want to be is a factor since the choice of a right spouse is necessary to give you aid in achieving your goals and targets. If Bazzaz had had the chance of choosing between the first and second wife at the onset, we can also point beyond a reasonable doubt that he would have chosen the second one. It is now your turn to make a choice that you would not regret in the near most future. May Allah grant you that wisdom of expatiation, Amin

This woman died and I got married to another who always caution me before I leave for market……… “go, and when you don’t find the Halal(lawful) except a moiety, we will manage it, but when you don’t find except Haram (unlawful) do not bring it because we can afford to enjoy here and suffer in the next world”. So when I come to the market now I don’t chase or force customers to buy my products, since my wife would be comfortable with whatever I bring home”.

How blessed is Bazzaz! And whom you want to be is a factor since the choice of a right spouse is necessary to give you aid in achieving your goals and targets. If Bazzaz had had the chance of choosing between the first and second wife at the onset, we can also point beyond a reasonable doubt that he would have chosen the second one. It is now your turn to make a choice that you would not regret in the near most future. May Allah grant you that wisdom of expatiation, Amin.

Also, comprehend deeply, whatever you find glittering to your eyes in the person you are choosing. Is it handsomeness or beauty, wealth, knowledge, worldly privilege, royalty, body structure, environmental location, family background, and or opportunities? Just to mention but the few. Remember! Some of these things are temporarily oriented in the life of a man. Some could even indulge in bringing some of these materials before your scenes, but in contrast, they possess none of it. You will only realize the nothingness after the final right of the marriage is performed. May Allah bless this brother who said: “The worst type of marriage is the one in which the man married a body and the woman also married a bank.” Astagfirullah!
Like it is said: “All coolness is pleasant to dwellers in burning lands”. Thus in Al-Hariri, Abu Zayd says of Basoorah, “I found there whatever could fill the eye with coolness”. And a “cool booty” (or prize) is one which has been secured without plunging into the flames of war or implies a pleasant prize.

Moreover, measuring the preservative ability and sustainability of what you see in the person is yet another key factor to take into consideration. After identifying the glittering factor in the person, this is your next step, you need to take into account what will take to keep it alive and well. Ask yourself, if it demands to spend this amount of money every week, month or year to preserve it, will you be able to carry that balance forward? And of course, even if you can afford that, will that factor be sustained forever? If you have also found wealth or its descendant materials (cars, houses, motorbike, booming business among others), quiz yourself, especially a man, do you have what it takes to keep these things in shape and or undergo its maintenance? And even if that is perhaps not beyond capability, would it be sustained to eternity?

Respected one! It’s never wrong to marry someone because the person has what could fill your eyes with coolness but it shouldn’t be the main basis for your choice. Many people did that mistake and they ended up seeing the person look as a loathe and they feel thwarted when in the person’s company, but to their disappointment, they have started a journey they can not take a break from. May Allah guide you to make the right choice…
Environmental influences in choosing a spouse


In fact, it would be a deficiency to discuss “choosing a spouse” without looking at the four corners of the chooser. Subhanallahi. Some of which is the choice of parents, peers, religion, contemporary society, circumstances engulfing the chooser among others.

  • Choice of parents: some people fail to execute their choice of a spouse simply because of parental intervention. Some parents see that choosing a spouse for their children is the last responsibility they can show as far as parental responsibilities are a concern. Some children have met a delightsome and delectable choice made by their parents and on the contrast, some have also been puzzled to a prolonged loathe and unhappiness. Like the prophet`s wife, Nana A’esha may Allah be pleased with her, she was married to the prophet by her father’s acceptance to the Divine command, and she had the most successful and happiest marriage ever in the history of the world. It is good to obey our parents’ choice in marriage, but let’s not also hesitate to seek for an intervention when we foresee unhealthy condition in their choice. Masha’Allah!
  • The choice of peers/friends is also one dangerous thing that has continued to hamper the success and happiness of many marriages. Friends have their own way of describing a good or better choice of a spouse. Friends mostly forget that Allah in His own Wisdom commands a union of contrast, such as fair and foul, dark and light, tall and short, beautiful and ugly; otherwise mankind would be like the canines, a race of extremes, dwarfs as toy-Terriers, giant-like mastiff, bald as Chinese “remedy dogs” or hairy as Newfoundland. But the friends’ stares and scuffs and blames and understands nothing. There is for every woman one man and one only in whose slavery she is “ready to sweep the floor.” Fate is mostly opposed to her meeting him but, when she does, adieu husband and children, honor and religion, life and soul.
  • The choice of religion and it’s guidance; it is very important to understand that, whatever choice you have made in each of the categories we have discussed and not, we should consider the guidance of the religion as paramount. The prophet of honor said; “beware of greenwaldman ”, and they said: “what do you mean by green waldman? He replied: “a beautiful woman from a morally deficient background.”
  • The contemporary society; without any iota of doubt, our societies reject the union of contrast. This is very common among government and non-governmental organizations’ employees who describe themselves as “ workers”, thus; the doctor prefers to marry a doctor or the inferior health worker, the nurse to a nurse, the teacher to teacher, among others. Some even move to the extent of describing the non-employees as “ liabilities”, Subhanallah! Including people who are artists and craft workers, once they are not dwelling under the realm of month-ending disaster, they are seen and regarded as “non-workers” and therefore receive a little preference in the scene of the masses, Subhanallah! It is a wrong perception made by society, and to our surprise, most of these so-called “non-workers” have a better and a happiest home than their contrasting counterparts.
  • Choosing to suit one’s circumstances; some people also make their choice considering the circumstance they are dwelling in at the moment of choice. It is a good move but sometimes proves man to be ignorant beyond compare since “no condition is permanent”. Some people spend much time away from home as a result of business and occupations, some of these people prefer to marry a couple who will be in the contrast, as it is necessary for the moral training of children. That is not bad to do, but make sure that the man or woman to stay home is morally sound, otherwise, you will always come back to meet your children growing cowardly, Astaghfirullah. Some also choose to fix their financial challenges, to suit their occupation, and many more. Our advice is that we should focus on Allah first and make anything else a secondary.
  • Allah’s choice for you: Allah Ta’ala in His Divine intervention makes a choice for you. Like the choice of our mother A’esha may Allah be pleased with her to the prophet of Allah peace be upon him and the utmost approval of the choice by her father Abuubakar, may Allah be pleased with him. The choice of Allah could come through your parents and other means, that is why we don’t just have to reject completely the choice of our parents for us until we are able to examine critically the inappropriateness of their choice for us. But in a more quizzical glare, is that an easy thing to do?

LET’S CRY TO ALLAH TO GUIDE OUR CHOICE

Allah’s Mighty and Dominion far exceeds the human mind. At the point where our thinking seizes, the power of Allah is alive and well. Allah created us and He knows what is best for us. Let’s pray so hard for Allah to guide our choice, that is the only truth and that alone can lead men to happiness. And in the end, you are well reminded to choose from either of four categories, but the choice of the one with religion, good conduct and sense of humor remains key and not anything materialistic since all other materials can be built after marriage and as well can be lost

Allah is the Most Exalted and He Knows Best!!!

[1] Sahih Bukhari, 5090 .Sahih Muslim,1466
[2] Sunanul Tirmizi,1084

This Post Has 12 Comments

  1. May Almighty Allah continue to guide us

    1. Aamin,Masha’Allah Brother! Allah grants you ease and understanding.

  2. Your Comment Here…we are much grateful for this your commendable work. we pray that Allah increase you in knowledge to continue this wonderful work.

    1. Masha’Allah alaik,Bother! Allah grant you with sincerity and bless your effort too…

  3. Alhamdulillahi Rabbil-aalamin, this is a heart felt admonishment. May Allah increase us in knowledge give you the strength and ability to continue this work of Allah.ALLAH BLESS YOUR EFFORT, AAMIN.

    1. Allahumma ‘aamin,Dearest one! We hope the submission “Choosing A Spouse” will have an effect in you and your loved ones. Thanks!

  4. U’ve made my day with this post. I pray that Allah guides u through in promoting Islam.

    1. Alhamdulillahi! Sister,we as well pray that Allah grants you more understanding and submission to His will…

  5. May Almighty Allah guide us in choosing a spouse

    1. Masha’Allah,Brother. Allah grants you a better choice. Jazakallahu khairan!

  6. May Allah guide us to make a right choice which will make our marriage sweet here and hereafter.

    1. MashaAllah,Brother! Try and adhere to the guides given in this article and you’ll make a better choice,insha’Allah. Jazakallahu khairan!

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